I thank Nancy for her comment to my previous post, she verbalized perfectly what I’ve felt ever since my diagnosis….”What will I now do with the rest of my short life?”.
I no longer assume a long life or plan for retirement or old age. I don’t make long term commitments easily anymore. I am obsessed with purpose. If I am here surviving what many haven’t, I must be here for a reason. I feel a need to live a life that makes a difference in some profound way, I must make my time count. At the same time I feel too unsure of a future to commit to a direction sometimes. It’s a sort of Catch 22.
My priorities changed too. I find that is true with many cancer survivors. We see the world differently. One woman I know has been diagnosed with a very aggressive cancer. Though she is currently in remission, her life goal now is to live long enough for her two year old daughter to remember her mother. We think like that now.
Sometimes I wonder if there will ever come a time when I can feel safe and comfortable in the present again. If I will ever feel okay about wasting time, if I will ever not feel anxious about making future commitments.
I know now that I used to take a lot for granted.