I am a CASA, a Court Appointed Special Advocate for abused and neglected children. I work with children who have been removed from their home and their parents by the Department of Child Services as their living environment is considered unsafe. I represent them in court. This is a volunteer job.
As a nurse, I work at a residential treatment center for minor children who have also been abused and neglected most of their lives. Their histories are horrible, many were being raised by drug addicted parents, some of the children have gone to dumpsters to find food for themselves and their siblings, some have been sold into sex trafficking or to their parents drug dealers for sex. Some have spent their lives in multiple foster homes, some were abused in foreign orphanages before being adopted. Some were born addicted to cocaine.
I just returned from a national CASA Convention in Atlanta Georgia. They had three plenary sessions each day, which is unusual. Most conferences have one at the opening of the conference or maybe once daily. These sessions are attended by sometimes a thousand persons at a conference. Usually these sessions have important or famous guest speakers. I listened to more than 6 of these speakers. Many had been on Opra or CNN, most had written best selling books, all were famous in their own right. All were very successful adults.
All but one of the speakers had also been an abused and neglected child. Most had been in foster care.
It is said many of these abused and neglected children grown up to be unemployed, living in homeless shelters, in jail or in mental health institutions.
What was different about these individuals? They had all had all had difficult childhoods but had grown to become overwhelmingly successful adults.
All of them had had one person in their lives who had treated them well, who believed in them, who supported them, who told them they could one day succeed. Most who had made a difference to these speakers had just said something to them, sometimes just a few sentences.
I left the conference feeling how important maybe everything we say to another person is. We might be the one person who says just a few words that changes someone’s life.
I also have a friend who recently lost her daughter. She has been affected by just short statements people have made. Many statements have caused her pain, though some have helped.
It made me think of us as cancer patients. I know I was negatively affected sometimes by things people said…”I know you will survive this if you just think positive”, or “You are so lucky, you probably enjoy every day because you can live it like it’s your last”. Then there were the people who were silent but just stayed with me and let me cry…they helped me.
I’m sure all of you have been affected either positively or negatively by things people have said to you or done for you or to you. What has been helpful, and what has been hurtful in your dealings with people, even family, since you have been diagnosed? Who has made a difference in your dealings with this disease?
I would love it if you could share that in comments here. What have people done that has helped you in your struggle against this disease? What have people said or done that’s had a negative impact on you?
In May I will be 18 years cancer-free after a terminal diagnosis. I am often told how blessed I am, how God found favor in me that led to my survival. I agree 100%. I am so blessed. I believe in God and feel that he blessed me with surviving my cancer long enough to see my kids graduate from grade school, Jr. High school, High School and even college! I even was hear for my youngest’s wedding! I celebrated my 30th wedding anniversary!
But a thought just occurred to me the other day. Have all of those who have told me how blessed I am to have survived cancer thought of how blessed they are never to have had cancer? To have never dealt with the Mother of All Surgeries, to have never had to deal with chemo therapy, to have never learned to live with uncertainty for years as we continually get tested for recurrence?
We do survive cancer, but we really never get to go back to our before-cancer normal. I remember missing my “normal” life after I was diagnosed and while I was in treatment.
Most of those who tell us how blessed we are also seem to assume that once cancer treatment, the surgeries and chemo are over, we can just go back to our “normal” lives, cancer is behind us. But in a sense it never really is totally “over”. We will have the designation “cancer survivor” for the rest of our natural lives. Cancer will always be a part of our lives, though the part does get smaller as the years go by (I’m here to tell you that!). We are blessed, but we are also changed.
Cancer is in some ways different from other diseases. Nowadays no one will call us “cured”; even after 5 years cancer free, we are just long-term survivors. So we never feel cancer is really “gone”. I have survived long enough now that I don’t worry about my cancer recurring (17 years NED), but I probably still occasionally worried about it recurring at 10 years. Our perspectives as cancer survivors may be different from those with other diseases, even chronic ones. It is always in the background of our lives.
I’ve tried to come to terms with a fear of dying, especially when I was younger. I think I am fortunate to be a nurse. I am very aware life is not fair. I’ve worked in a lot of ICUs and seen many people die before their time. A headache was really an aneurysm that ruptured and caused death, a child died trying to retrieve a toy from a 5 gallon bucket. I’ve seen many people with chronic diseases that have left patients with no quality of life. Physically, once I got past the cancer surgery and all of the chemo, I have physically had a great quality of life. I was in New York City and walked past the Twin Towers on September 6th, and just a few days later 3000 people who were healthy and working lost their lives. When I fear dying I try to remember these things.
Life is short and we are all here just here on a journey. I believe in a soul and am Christian, so believe in an afterlife in Heaven. I’ve read many books on heaven and near death experiences that have given me confidence in my beliefs. I’d be happy to share m book list!
I read a quote the other day I loved, “I am not a body, I have a body. I am a soul.”
Happy Holidays! It’s been almost two months since I’ve posted here, forgive me. We all get busy during the holidays, but I was also working a lot of overtime. People helped me have time off I needed so I tried to help others have the time off they needed, and the hours added up! I worked 60 hours the week of Christmas.
We have one get together, my husband’s family of about 40 gets together one day near Christmas. This year my daughter hosted the gathering. I think post cancer, I have become very aware of time and the passing of time. At the gathering there were many children I didn’t know! They were the children of my nieces and nephews. I was remembering my niece being three years old when I met her and hiding behind her mothers legs when I approached as I was a stranger. Now I think she is in her early 30s, has two children and is married for the second time with step-sons. Another niece of mine has 5 children, another 3, another 2 more. The children have come so fast and when I only see them once or twice a year I don’t know all of their names or even who they belong to!
My mother-in-law (we’ve dropped the “in-law” and I refer to her as mom) is in her 80s. She was 10 years younger than I am now when I first met her. I remember my children being infants when I first attended these family gatherings, now my eldest is almost 30.
Time passes so quickly. And the older I get the more quickly time passes…the benefit to that is that winters finally seem shorter!
But I am more aware of time I believe related to my having cancer. I think of how many experiences I have had in life and how many changes I’ve seen and all of the history I’ve witnessed.
I think that is a good thing. I am blessed to have had all of this extra time.