I was feeling just a bit unsettled today, I have another pending CT scan. I’ve had that on my mind for awhile. The requisition for the scan has been on a bulletin board in my room waiting for me to schedule it.

Even 6 1/2 years out, CT scans make me uncomfortable. CT scans make us all feel vulnerable, they keep us in limbo.

I’m in the cancer community now and talk to cancer patients daily. I am familiar with cancer recurrences. I have relationships with people who are dying of cancer. Cancer is a sneaky and vicious disease. Once in awhile I hear of a cancer patient who has a recurrence after 5 years. I know too much to become too complacent about cancer.

My doctors keep checking…and checking…and checking my tumor markers. They’ve been checking them every few months for years now. Just now one is elevated, just a bit, for the first time. So I decided to go ahead and schedule the scan.

It seems no one uses the “cure” word nowadays, we are in “long term remission”. That phrase makes it sound as if we still have cancer, that it just isn’t active at the moment……implying that it can recur at any time. Implying that we can never move beyond oncology appointments and cancer follow-up testing.

It isn’t as bad for me as it used to be. I used to be terrified of impending CT results. But CT scans still make me edgy.

I hope someday someone will use the word “cure” in regards to my cancer. That I will be able to stop being tested for cancer. A friend of mine is 83, she survived colon cancer diagnosed at age 40. She just quit her annual colonoscopies at age 80. Forty years of annual colonoscopies.

The testing goes on, and on, and on…..